Still no urn

My son Bryan died this past March. Okay, so I know the first thing anyone reading this will think is why the hell haven't I gotten an urn yet?

It's not totally my fault. Someone that works with my partner volunteered to make an urn for us and at the time, it seemed like a good idea. But as of yet, no urn. Tell me, how do you ask someone, "Hey, how's that urn coming along?" Not an easy subject for anyone.

But at some point, we did give up hope of getting a handmade urn - and even realizing this, have neglected to get one on our own. Here comes the psychoanalysis: Getting one would put some sort of finality to things...and apparently, I'm not ready to do that. Secondly, I just can't seem to find an urn that is suitable for my son. Of course, could I ever? What wood/metal/ceramic/porcelin thing could ever be good enough for my son's remains?

So half of my son's ashes (the other half are at his dad's, in an urn I helped his dad pick out and purchase and put the ashes in, believe it or not) sit in his room in an ugly brown plastic box compliments of the Crematory.

I' m sure some reading will think that's despicable and I wouldn't disagree. But oh, how the psyche can do terrible things to your head sometimes.

As a matter of fact, my latest renewed search for an urn came out of another psyche mind-game over this coming Christmas and everything that goes with it: shopping, getting a tree, decorating, celebrating, merriment in general.

Bah Humbug.

Christmas shopping used to be about shopping for Bryan. Getting a tree was a family tradition; Bryan was always there to see me pick out one that ended up being waaay too big for the living room. Watching his fascination over the lights and ornaments was the true joy of decorating. Without Bryan, what possible celebration; what merriment?

"Ah," the psyche said, "Get Bryan an urn for Christmas! It will be like old times! You'll be shopping for him!"

But just moments later, the psyche replied, "No, no, no. Can't do that. Too much! Too much! Runaway! Runaway!"

And so I created a blog.