Marriage and Acceptance

I've been thinking about what to write first in my effort to catch up here, and everything I thought of seemed to be a Debbie Downer (make that ‘Debi with an i’ just to be consistent). I'm really not all doom and gloom; it just seems that I tend to write more often about the trials of my life. I guess when things are good there's no need to lament. I was preparing to write of another bleak time in history, but then it happened...something that brought me to tears of joy, so I must share. First a little history (which, by the way, allows me to share other happy moments):

I met the love of my life twelve years ago. Neither of us was looking for love; it just happened. I think that’s how I knew it was real, because I wasn’t searching for it. It just whacked me on the head and sent me flying. It was a semi long-distance relationship at first, but within 9 months we were living together in Euphoria. We bought matching gold and silver rings and inside our little rented house the two of us promised to love and cherish each other forever. At the time that’s all the ceremony we needed and we really didn’t expect we could ever have anything more. Both of our families were still reeling over the fact that we were gay (gasp!) and that we were in love (yuck!) and that we were living together and sleeping together (horror!). Having a ceremony with friends and relatives wasn’t really in the cards.

With time came our family’s acceptance of our relationship. But ‘acceptance’ is a relative term. I know there are members of the family that love us unconditionally and could care less that we’re not one man and one woman. They get that we love each other, and they love us, and that’s all that matters. Others outwardly appeared to accept our relationship, but at what level? For example, my mom has said on more than one occasion, “I don’t understand it, but you’re my daughter and I love you.”  Is that acceptance? I’m not so sure. It’s hard to tell what’s really in someone’s heart, you know?

Anyway, the years go by and we watch family and friends get married left and right, and it begins to irritate me. We should be able to stand in front of our family and friends and show them our commitment to each other. We should be able to have that perfect white wedding with lace and flowers and organ music and whatever…We should be able to have a big reception bash with a toast from the best man and maid of honor, and have a first dance and shove cake in each other’s face. We should be able to do all that. But Marriage is between a man and a woman don’t you know…

So I tried to talk my partner into a commitment ceremony to do all those things we should be able to do, even though it wouldn’t be ‘accepted’ by the state because political groups and religious right ringers decided it shouldn’t be. But being the realist that she is, she saw no point in doing something that means nothing. I get that, but I still wanted to do it, because I wanted family and friends to get it (us). I wanted true acceptance and this was how I thought I’d get it.

Then New York legalized same sex marriage, and was the only state in which you didn’t have to be residents to do so. BINGO! My love asked me to marry her. We started to plan. I called my best friend, she called hers. Mine said yes, she’d be my maid of honor. Hers said no, it was against her beliefs. Really? Wow, what a shot to the chin. You’ve been BEST friends with someone for over twenty years and then you find out you’re not really ‘accepted’ after all. That’s what was in her heart. Then…you have a brother (who has been married 3 times by the way) that says it’s against his beliefs as well. He loves you and wants you to be happy, but… That’s what was in his heart.

We decided to hold off on the wedding – not because of them, screw them – but because we wanted to save up for that perfect white wedding and big bash reception. Then happenstance; we were going to a dog show in Massachusetts, which meant traveling through the state of New York. How could we possibly travel through the state and not get hitched? So we did; kind of a spur of the moment thing. We really only told a handful of people, and off we went. We got LEGALLY MARRIED in the State of New York by a Clerk in a courthouse in front of two witnesses (people that love us unconditionally and could care less that we’re not one man and one woman). We didn’t wear lace; we wore shorts. She forgot her gold and silver ring and I couldn’t get mine off my finger, so we bought $8 rings at a tourist trap and placed them on each other’s pinkies. I wrote vows and cried through all of them. She sang Amanda Marshall’s “Marry Me” and I cried through all of it. And you know what? It was perfect.

A month later we traveled down state to my wife’s (I love saying that) Dad and Stepmom’s house for the annual Thanksgiving family shindig. As usual it was a packed house; young and old, babies and teenagers and elders. We had the big dinner and then some started asking to see the wedding video. Everyone piled into the living room. I was more than a bit nervous to tell you the truth. There we were on a big screen TV, holding hands and kissing after the clerk announced we were partners for life. How many of them were going to be accepting of that? When the video was over some applauded, some “awwwed”, some smiled, some came and hugged us and said congratulations. At least no one gasped or stormed out of the room, so I thought it went pretty well. We started to show more video of our trip, but I noticed that the crowd started quietly thinning out. Okay, it was your typical boring vacation video, but in the back of my head I was thinking that they were leaving because they really didn’t accept what they just saw and wanted to get the hell out of the room to gag or puke or pray.

And then…when we left the living room we were greeted by bubbles floating in the air and two rows of family clapping and shouting “Congratulations!”  – Our very own reception line. And after we made it through the line, there sat a tiered wedding cake with flowers in our favorite colors, and champagne, and wedding cards from everyone. We were floored. Flabbergasted. Overwhelmed with emotion. My wife did something she rarely does – she cried. And of course I cried. We somehow managed to choke out a toast and tried to tell everyone how much it meant to us. My Father-in-law and Mother-in-law hugged me and told me that they had always considered me a part of the family and that they loved me. My Brother-in-law (the one that said it was against his beliefs) hugged his sister and with tears streaming down his face told her that he loved her and that he was happy for us. Our surprise wedding reception was perfect.

So I finally got what I wanted. I married the love of my life. We had a wedding and a reception and some cake shoved in the face. We were able to stand in front of our family and friends and show them our commitment to each other. We got to see what was in their hearts. We were accepted.